Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My Wednesday Night Thing

It seems like ages since I've blogged.  Hmmm, I suppose it has been a long time.  May 18th was my last post.

Much has happened in these past months: illness,  surgery, recovery, debt from long hospital stay LOL, debt from paycheck cut while in the hospital for such a long time.  My adult, living-away-from-home daughter finally got the Corgi she has been wanting for the last 15 years and couldn't be happier.  She wants to train him as a therapy dog.  I take great joy in how happy she is in her life.  I dated a guy for a bit but no love match. 

I turned 55 a few days ago.  My daughter, mother and sister called me to wish me a happy birthday and I had a wonderful party with all my gal pals.  I've made some new friends and increased the scope of my professional work to give my job more meaning.

I started going to Journeys - a spiritual community - in late May.  Besides the Sunday Celebration Service, I am attending a series of eight week classes.  We meet on Wednesday nights and discuss ways to deepen our spiritual practice through working with the body, mind, soul and shadow.

This is my new Wednesday night thing.  It is wonderful to go to a place where you and all the other 42 members of your class are in harmony in belief.  The energy flowing in the room is palpable.  I almost feel high when I leave because I'm so spiritually happy.   

It's kind of ironic? coincidental? that one of the precepts discussed this evening was on living as a victim - having bad things happen to you.  The first time I attended services at Journeys, Bill Turner - the minister - gave a talk on being a victim.  I remember one line so clearly because it literally changed my life on the spot.  Bill asked the rhetorical question, "Do you want to stop being a victim?  Change your story." 

Wow - change my story.  First I had to really think about how I told my story: the tale I told people when they wanted to know about me.  For that matter, even when they didn't I usually somehow managed to get my story in.  Holy cow!  I truly embraced the  victim role.  From my childhood traumas to the breakup of my marriages, from the heartbreak of betrayal to the pain of bankruptcy....I cringe when I recall how I kept telling the same story over and over and over of how bad things were for me and how all the sources of love that were supposed to be there for me as a child and wife simply weren't.  And every time I told it, I felt worse and worse and worse.  Yes, I had bad things happen to me through childhood and my teenage years. Yes, I had husbands (that's right, plural) who cheated on me and left the marriage.  Was it my fault that these things happened?  No, of course not.  But what was my fault was lingering in the malaise of victimhood.  Playing 'poor me' was spiritually, emotionally and intellectually easy.  Being a victim felt familiar - all warm and cozy, like pulling the blanket over your head when it's thundering and lightening outside.  Releasing the power that living the role of the victim had over me was freeing.  It was a joyous, liberating experience to say "I  forgive you" and truly mean it about those who had intentionally hurt you.  It robbed them of all the power over my thoughts I had given them.  My soul took flight as I announced "I release you" to those thought patterns that kept me victim.

Suddenly - and it really was suddenly - the old hurtful memories that I used to play over and over in my mind and heart and soul like favorite songs on a jukebox lost their appeal.  I found myself smiling a lot.  I was much more open and receptive to new people and new ideas.  I heard music where there was none, I rejoiced in the beauty of each new day (and still do).  I found that money started showing up just when I needed it. 

So tonight, I am very grateful for my Wednesday night thing.  I'm really looking forward to my daily coursework and will blog from time to time on what we're working on.

With Light and Laughter,

I am

Your Raleigh Writer

No comments:

Post a Comment